Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.