me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side