COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Does beer think about me too?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.