COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.