cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
You Might Also Like
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T