Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
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Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide