COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Sing it!
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES