Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
You know…for fall…
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.