COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
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i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok