COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
You Might Also Like
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I’m not stressed
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*