Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
*cough*
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I already tried new things thanks.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*