Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening