Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
why I oughta
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.