Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
They’re not wrong
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.