it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
That lamp looks PISSED.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”