Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”