Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
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When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night