Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
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just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this