Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me, reading some of your tweets
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Dammit Chief not again
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”