Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
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wow
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?