feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
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I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My wedding will be open casket.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Was it something I said?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes