Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
me when I see my crush
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?