COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
This kid is a star!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh