Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
The fall of Netflix
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?