Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.