Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Breaking news:
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
This classic never gets old . . .
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.