Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
🤣✨#caturday
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.