Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
#dnd #ttrpg
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My dog learned how to text
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?