Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
what the
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner