COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
You Might Also Like
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
This is me
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
S O O N
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
23. the denim jacket
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.