COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.