Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
You Might Also Like
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
The “baby” on the left….
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
“Wait, let me explain..”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
What even happened today?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.