Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
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Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..