Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
this country is so goddamn polarized
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.