Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Need WebMD
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes