Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
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I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us