Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
War & Peace
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)