Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.