Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
You Might Also Like
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.