Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.