I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.