Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Velcrow
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department