@wizdom: Cop : "Lets Do a drug test" Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"
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@Donnie_Fairburn: Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That's what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
@DurtMcHurtt: [meeting girlfriend at the park] Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic! Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.
@yonewt: In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.