Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.