Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
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“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog