Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Always…
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.