Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
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FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]