COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
You Might Also Like
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”