@DaddyJew: Cop: license and registration
Me: nice try, I don't have either of those
@Social_Mime: Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today.
Wife - OK?
M - One of them is lying.
W - You can't ever shut it off can you?
@Contwixt: "My water-bowl wasn't filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes."
@LizHackett: ME: My dog's so happy I'm working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
@Steelers1972: If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership
@jjblonde84: Silence is golden...
But duct tape is silver.