Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced