@DaddyJew: Cop: license and registration
Me: nice try, I don't have either of those
@thatfinguy: Pretty woman wouldn't have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.
@BoomBoomBetty: [In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee--
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
@lisaxy424: It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.
@buhsbaby_baby: *drinking water without ice*
This must be what it feels like to be in prison.
@amselts: GIRL: l'm tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*