Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
In banana years, I am bread.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
In Canada they just call them geese
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front